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New! This Month’s Featured Article An
Holistic Approach To Stress Reduction
Although I am not a medical expert, one thing I know something about is stress. Once I had a severe stomach problem for months, but doctors could not figure out what was wrong. They tried to put me on a steroid and discussed my case at a medical conference. I used to wake myself up in the middle of the night by the sound of grinding teeth. I attended a stress management course, but getting there on time (which never happened due to my stressful work) made me even more stressed! To make a long story short, finally it was time to take drastic measures. 3 months after I left my job, I finally stopped grinding my teeth… I was one of the lucky ones who knew I had a serious stress problem, I “tried” to do something to manage the stress, and when 'I realized I “couldn’t handle it” any more, I was able to leave the stressful situation. Some people just don’t see it coming until it is too late. Sure, stress is a part of modern industrialized life, and some may even say that moderate stress is a healthy challenge. But many experts say, and many of you already know, stress is very often damaging to your life, to your relationships, and even to your health. “Extremely stressful relationships may put you at high risk for physical complications.” (Dr. Phil McGraw) So what can you do about it? The most difficult, but necessary step is to be proactive. Many people say, “I’m so stressed!” and don’t do anything about it. Yes, complaining about it is better than keeping everything inside, but it does not lead to any solution. Here are some ideas to take back control over your life. Identify Causes Stress can be caused by many different situations and environment. It can be relationships with your family, partner, boss or co-workers, financial or legal problems, unexpected events such as death in the family, divorce or being a victim of a crime or disaster, unfulfilled life or career goals , isolation and loneliness, mental or physical illness and recovery, or simply your environment. List what is causing the stress in your life. Stuck in a Rut? If the cause of your stress is “totally out of your control” and there is “nothing you can do about it,” you really have to make the decision to move on. This is the only thing that you can do about this type of problem. I know that it is not so easy, and I admire the courage of people who can do this well. Take the time you need, not one second longer, to feel the grief, pain, anger, of whatever you need to do, and just set it aside. Focus on what you CAN do to lessen the other causes of stress. Get it Out of Your System The worst thing you can do is to store stress inside of you until it starts to eat you up. Whatever you do, get it out of your system. If you need to scream or cry, do it. If you need to punch someone, I wouldn’t do it, but punch a punching bag at the gym or your pillow. Talk to someone. Write it in your journal. Get someone to help you. What ever you do, just don’t keep it boiling inside of you. This is when it really becomes dangerous. It can literally kill you by causing heart attack or stroke. If you see someone who is keeping something inside, but you know something is really wrong, just let him/her know you are available or make constructive suggestions. You can’t make someone open up, but the least you can do is try. Don't just sit there... Do Something! If the situation is something you can change or manage better, like a financial or legal problem, unfulfilled life or treatable illness, do something about it. Get necessary help, (many of them are available from your city or non-profit organizations for free). If the problem is not financial, and overwhelming feeling of the stress is keeping you from taking action, don’t hesitate to pay someone to work with you. Participate in classes or a support group. Take baby steps. For example, if you are having a hard time paying your bills, talk to your credit card company or utility service. There are often programs to help you plan your budget. You will be surprised how many of them are willing to work with you. (I was able to reduce my credit card interest from 19% to 9% by just asking for it.) Hire a good layer who is really on your side. Find a good doctor who not only knows how to treat your illness, but who really knows how to treat you! Do your homework. Learn about your problem and how you can fix the problem. So You Are Not Happy... Why? After consulting with your doctor about potential depression or other psychological or physical causes, think about the reasons that you are not happy. Can you do something about it? If you can’t figure out the answer to this question, get help in answering this question. That person may be a psychologist, counselor, or even your friend, family, or anyone who listens and cares about you. Chances are, you CAN do something about it. Think about all the things you already have or things you CAN do if you wanted to or if you are willing to take the challenge. This sounds really corny, but think about those people without food or living in a war. I hope you feel lucky to be healthy, capable and full of potential. If you are lonely, do something about it! Meet people. Join a club or attend events of your interests. Open your eyes around you. You don't have to find a best friend or be intimate to feel less lonely. In fact, a casual conversation with a total stranger (with some caution, of course) can be a stress-free, yet very fulfilling experience. When I first moved to this country by myself, I didn't know a simple soul. Without being able to communicate in English fluently, it was difficult to find anyone who was willing to spend the time to listen and try to understand what I was saying. There were many days that only conversation I had was with the waiter or the bartender. Sure it is not a deep fulfilling conversation, but it was a human contact. That made a huge difference. That was what I needed to escape for a few minutes. Be creative, and just do something, anything! Changing Your Perspective If you are suffering from relationship stress, which is probably the most common cause of stress, think about this. Is it worth fighting for? If you are being abused by your partner or a parent, this is not the time to think about how you can manage your stress. (I'm not going to get into how you get out of this situation.) If your quality of life is at risk because of relationship stress (but not from the danger of being physically hurt), the relationship better be worth it! If the person is a member of your family, you don’t have any choice than either do something about it or walk away. It is really hard to “change” people when they are not willing. If they are not willing to work with you, you may have to leave the situation, move away from it, and see if the time will heal. If it is a friend, what kind of friend is this person to you? Friends are supposed to relieve you from stress, not cause it! Find other friends or a new one to hang out with; friends who give you support, encouragement and inspiration. If your boss or co-worker is giving you a hard time, it may be time to think about a career change. Taking a risk of leaving a job to find a better life for yourself is worth it. But if you are willing to improve your interpersonal skill, which I strongly believe is one of the most important skills you need in your life, and which you can only learn from experience, here is a simple exercise. (I find this works in any relationship.) See the situation from the other perspective. If someone (your boss, child, husband, etc.) is giving you a hard time, there is a reason for it – it does not have to anything to do with you. You do need to be objective and evaluate your performance. But after that, think about why this person is treating you unfairly or poorly. Maybe this person is under a lot of stress, or doesn't have the communication skills to really tell you what this person needs from you. Everyone needs something from you, whether it is love, support, friendship or discipline. Unfortunately, people rarely express what they need from you! (And chances are, you are not telling them what you need either.) The easiest way to deal with the situation is to feel like you are the only hope for this person. You can save this person! What can you do to make this person’s life easier? This does not mean that you work long hours to finish your boss’s project, or buy the newest toys for your kids. Those are superficial needs. What your boss or spouse really needs is your understanding of what kind of pressure he/she is getting from upper management and have empathy. Find out how you can contribute to a better outcome within your responsibility (this is the key!) and prioritize with this goal in mind. What your child needs may be just a few minutes of your personal attention. Listen and make this child feel really special and loved even for a few minutes. Give them clear instruction they can understand. Establish routine to let them know what to expect. Kids have stress, too. Make sure that you are not the cause of their stress. If your kids are less stressed, I'm sure they will be a little more able to corporate with you to make your life easier. Find a little thing that makes someone’s day, and that person will feel bad about treating you poorly (I hope). Doing good will also make you feel better. If this doesn’t work, you may have to work with an intermediary or remove yourself from this unhealthy situation. Nature vs. Nurture There are two key ingredients to lessen your stress. One is nature. You will be surprised how much energy nature gives you. Do you remember how wonderful you felt when you were on the beach or in the woods? When I went to Hawaii 2 months after I left my job, my theory was definitely confirmed. Getting the sun and listening to the sound of pounding waves was just what I needed after 6 months of New England winter and several months of stress. Within a day, I felt so much better! Unfortunately, very few people are lucky to be in such an environment or to have the luxury of getting away to find the power of nature. Here is a little trick you can do in your own back yard. Try to pay closer attention to little things – the color of blooming blossoms, the swell of falling rain, the sound of singing frogs or crickets. If you take the time to notice, they will give you a little boost of energy. Buy yourself a new plant or a bouquet of flowers. Sit in the park and listen to the birds. Another key ingredient is the “touch” or what I call "Nurture." You know how great you feel after getting a hug or making love. Studies have shown that premature babies who have physical contacts with their mothers will improve their condition faster. People who have pets have less stress (unless the pets are the cause of your stress). I believe that the physical “touch,” whether it is human or animals, has a significant part in reducing your stress. If loneliness is causing your stress, there is an alternative. Get a massage, pedicure or haircut! Do you remember how you felt after the massage or getting your hair done? That’s what I am talking about. Let someone else take care of you. It’s Your Life – Take Control I know many of us feel like there aren’t enough of you around to take care of everyone’s needs. Then don’t! It’s your life, and you have control over it. At the end of your journey, you will be saying, “I wish I had the time to do this, this and that…” Well, make sure that will not happen. If you care too much about other people and always put them before yourself. It is your fault. If you choose to live like that, accept it and be happy with it. Helping others is a noble cause. You should be proud of it, acknowledge it and make it the purpose of your life. If you can’t do that, and if you are always complaining about not having time for yourself, you need to change the way things get done. The hot word any author or advisor will tell you is “PRIORITIZE.” It is true. You need to know what is really important and what is not. What you can’t live without and what you can. What will make you happy and what will not make any difference in your life. There is no reason to stress out about things that is not important to you. Once you eliminate those unnecessary stresses or manage them, your head will be much clearer to tackle the real challenges. If everyone is asking for your time, learn to say "no." I know it is not so easy. If you can't say "no," try offering alternative option. Offer help at appropriate time when you can be more helpful, or alternative solution (someone else may be better suited to help this person.) Get some help for yourself when you need it. Hire someone to do your housework or look after your kids of a few hours. Try to get some “ME” time, at least 15 minutes, hopefully 30 minutes a day. Treat yourself for a quiet time or do something you enjoy doing. You may have to get up earlier or skip cooking dinner once in a while, but it is well worth it. Find a place that you are comfortable. In the park, at a street café, in your bedroom or bathroom. Let people know that you need this time to be a better mom or dad, or to be a productive member of society! Spend part of your lunchtime away from your desk, not thinking about your work or family. Never feel that you “wasted” time. It is the time to take control of your life and put yourself first for a change. You will notice the quality of life improving immediately. There are other common suggestions for managing your stress. Breath. Meditate. Listen to relaxing music or stress management tape. Soak in a hot tub with lavender oil or take a long shower. Eat more balanced diets. Drink water, not coffee, tea, soda or alcohol. Exercise. Avoid stimulating activities (watching TV or surfing the net) before going to bed. Get a good night's sleep. I won't go into the details, since you probably know about them already. (If not, refer other resources.) I hope you now feel like you can do something about your stress. Don't forget - it's your life and your stress. You are the only person who can manage it! Other Resources: Stress Assessment designed to help you evaluate three important aspects of your stress, stressors, symptoms and coping skills. http://www.stressless.com/WebStressScale.cfm Variety of guided meditation available on-line to help you relax and learn to meditate. http://www.learningmeditation.com/room.htm Extensive information on Yoga. http://www.yrec.org/publications.html Books Eating Well for Optimum Health
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